Not making much progress...

This is awful.

I am thinking of him more now than ever I did when he was here. I even keep checking my e-mails in case in between lazing in the heat of the south of France, drinking fine wine, and making love to his wife, he feels the need to connect with me.

I am supposed to be using this time to reconnect with T, but I don’t know how to do it. All the clichéd things come to mind; wine with a meal, sexy lingerie, a bedroom lit with candles, but I cannot explain how that just isn’t us. If I were to do things so out of the ordinary T would not be turned on, he would be perplexed and worried.

What I might need to do with T is just talk to him about my feelings. Tell him I want us to be more, erm more what? It cannot be more intimate because we are actually quite an affectionate couple. What then? Is it sex? Do I want him to desire me more? But you can’t just ask someone to do that. And T has never been very sexual, not with me and not with anyone. I can’t demand that he suddenly be someone else.

It has crossed my mind to tell him about HVH, make the “I’m attracted to a man at work” thing a joint problem for us as a couple. But I can’t for two reasons, one it doesn’t feel very fair on HVH, and two it would be more than T could handle. You would have to know something of T and his background to understand why that is, but it is not something I could do to him.

I’ve even thought about leaving work. But this is the only job I have ever had which I find fulfilling without being stressful. It pays well, it’s a lovely building to work in, I get on with all my colleagues. It would be a lot to lose.

So, I always come back to the same thing – forget HVH and make my relationship with T more fulfilling. But always the question… how?

I wish HVH had never come here. I wish I’d never set eyes on him and that I had been left to slumber in my sleepy, comfortable relationship.